Sometimes a shape inspires you. Sometimes a physical
structure defines the shape of your soul. The 45° striated face of The Pearl
does all that and more. It’s punk. It’s soul. It’s ethereal. Am I climbing
out of a clamshell? Am I racing starlines through hyperspace? Are my tendons
tearing away from my muscles and bones?
What progress have I made on sending The Pearl?
Zilch. In fact, I’ve lost a little ground, I can’t even get back to matching on
the sloper/crimp hold before the gaston.
At the same time, I’m trying to send the classic V5 problem
at Sky Bridge Ridge I am also beginning a new workout regime. It’s kicking my
butt, too. And then my damned shoulder…the one I wrecked when I wrecked my bike
on the Coors railroad spur leaving Golden, Colorado on my way home from work in
the rain back in July of 2011…is still weak and painful. I deeply regret not
doing the PT exercises they sent home with me that day.
Anyway, I went up there on Sunday to try the problem again,
but due to some left index finger pain I opted not to push beyond two weak
attempts. Then I set about cleaning up the Double Helix, Detox, and Fonz
Boulders some more. I also tried the problem Detox for the first time in
a couple decades. I remember it being hard back when I was strong and in shape,
but it felt near impossible at my current levels. Then I tried a new problem I
think may clock in at V1 and quickly lost interest when I struggled to get off
the ground on that. It was demoralizing.
What I think happened Sunday is that I hadn’t rested and
recovered enough after my two workout sessions last week. Recovery takes longer
now. I’m trying to do too much too fast. I really need to focus on getting
strong and in good condition before I start pushing limits, I think. Maybe I
need to delay the Pearl quest until I make some distinct improvements.
But my restless passions don’t allow me to consider that normally. I have
negligible discipline. My bandwidth is narrow. The deluge of information is
apocalyptic most days. I just can’t focus. I just can’t maintain a good sense
of priority.
I know that the only things that will have a significant
impact on my future self are drastic changes. I simply can’t keep moving
forward on the same narrow path I’ve been trammeling my whole life. I have to
step far outside my comfort zone.
I look at a recent photo of me attempting The Pearl.
I’m heel hooking the sculptured rail, my right hand is on the starting rib, my
left hand is crossed over and crimping hard on the small, but positive edge,
and I’m eyeing the next right-hand sloper, ready to slap and choke up on it. To
date, slapping that one and matching my left hand to the upper crimpy edge of
it is as far as I’ve progressed.
The photo has a timeless feel to me. It could be
twenty-something me working the problem years ago when I was so much stronger
and closer to sending it. I gave up because my elbows were eaten up with
tendinitis. Not only did I give up on The Pearl back then, but I gave up
on bouldering altogether.
Today it’s not tendinitis; it’s a fourteen year old shoulder
injury from a bicycle crash and late-presenting rotator cuff issues. It’s
thirty pounds of stress-related weight gain. It’s decades of betrayal, failure,
and disaster. Oh, and a heaping helping of self-doubt.
I’ve been on a self-guided healing journey for the past
twenty months. Deep in the winter of 2024 I finally found the depths of what I
will tolerate against myself. I was so overwhelmed with social anxiety and
crushing depression that I burst up out of the shelf ice that had been holding
me down, and I began warming the troposphere of my life with a slow burning
ire.
It's been a complex quest hunting down the demons that have
poisoned my mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing for as long as I can
remember. There are still stragglers out there, but I know their faces; I will
find them and eradicate them.
When I first threw out sending The Pearl by the end
of the year as a goal, it seemed innocuous enough. After all, it was just
another climbing tick on another list I’ve made. It’s arbitrary. It’s not
important in the scheme of things. But then I remembered why I stopped working
on the problem—the tendinitis. That abruptly ended my climbing career.
Back then, I didn’t have the resources to address the root
causes and find the healing I needed. There were deficiencies and holes in my
life. I never had a lot of money. I never had a lot of sound, reasonable
support for my deepest needs from those close to me. Hardly anyone was giving
me good advice on how to handle those kinds of issues. Or any kinds of issues. I
went years ignoring the yammering devils that were chasing me as they wore me
down, chewed up my mind and body, and delighted in my ruin. That’s all behind
me.
Working The Pearl isn’t exactly picking up where I
left off. It’s maybe more like going into a long disused room in my mind,
turning on the light, sweeping up the dust of years, and starting to reorganize
and mend things. The Pearl is finally making me focus on things I have
avoided making eye contact with forever.
When I first decided on this as a goal, I was satisfied that
it’s harder—even if only by one grade—than anything else I had ever climbed. I
didn’t exactly understand at first, but now I do. By throwing down a challenge that
is beyond anything else I had ever succeeded at I have forced myself to
evaluate the entire system and plug the leaks. For whatever reason, the goal of
summiting the Grand Teton has never struck such a deep chord in me.
It's possible I may never send The Pearl. I’m going
to give it my best effort. I’m not going to give up until it’s obvious there is
no path forward. I believe I can heal and strengthen my injuries and
weaknesses. I’ve already made the first steps to do so.
In a related vein, I have also been cleaning up the other
established problems at Sky Bridge Ridge. I’m rehabbing the whole area to be
conducive to bouldering again. I’ve not stopped my development of Boulder City.
That’s still ongoing with a brief pause while chiggers overrun the land. My
hope is to throw down a few more new first ascents there before the end of the
year. Maybe with this clarity of focus I can surprise myself with what’s
possible there as well.
More to come…
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