2024 was a big year for me. It started out full of stress and anxiety—maybe the worst I’ve experienced in my entire life—but it has ended on a much different note than it began. While I don’t think anyone wants to read a detailed chronicle of my year long journey, I think it bears noting some milestones.
In desperation I forced a turning point. In February, only a couple of weeks after I
turned fifty, I realized I was in dire straits.
I found out I had low testosterone, I was at war at work, battling an
endless cycle of manipulation and abuse, and I’d found out some startling
family news. I wrote in my journal: “I
need to find a way to make peace with all this or it’s going to eat me up.”
The immediate answer was a hardcore regime of
self-care. I began alternating steam and
cold baths. I began a daily routine of
reading first thing in the morning, focusing heavily on Taoist writings. I started hiking more. I started being intentional in my
photography, even buying some black and white film to shoot in my old Pentax
K-1000. I hiked into the backcountry of
the Red River Gorge to rediscover an old path to adventure (sadly that
adventure is still unrealized, but soon!)
I started putting myself and my well-being first.
I began backpacking in earnest again, taking three good
overnight trips. It began with an out
and back on Rough Trail in the Gorge, and then my first jaunt on the Pine
Mountain Trail (more on that shortly), and finally an overnight trip in the
Bighorn Mountains/Cloud Peak Wilderness in Wyoming. I visited twenty-seven states total, and
three new ones (I only have four left to visit). I summited sixteen new state high points for
a total of thirty. I became comfortable
scrambling old favorite rocks at home again.
I visited New York City at Christmas and saw my first Broadway show.
I spent the last couple of months trying to
develop/redevelop an old favorite bouldering area. I added close to thirty new problems up to
V2. There are so many more to do
yet. I also spent a little time in the
climbing gym in Lexington and have realized I’m not as out of shape as I
thought.
The Pine Mountain Trail trip was a huge turning point. I believe that was truly the fulcrum of the
year. After that trip I posted a selfie
on Instagram with a long caption and said: “Despite feeling out of shape,
stressed out, and overwhelmed by the oppressive heat I was unreasonably happy”
and concluded by saying: “I pushed through a lot of inner turmoil and pushed
past a lot of physical and mental obstacles to reach this spot.” I kept pushing myself forward through fear
and doubt through uncertain outcomes and ended up having a fantastic trip. It inspired and informed the rest of my year.
Immediately after I got back from Pine Mountain I began
planning a big peakbagging trip for September.
I changed my focus from the Grand Teton to Cloud Peak in Wyoming and
tacked on six state highpoints for a 4,100 mile solo road trip over ten
days. I summitted Cloud Peak—a remote
Thirteener I had dreamed about for well over twenty years. I also visited a new state on that trip. Just before I left, I had an interview for a
big new job. While I was on the trip, I
got a call with a job offer. And I accepted.
Taking the new job afforded me the opportunity of a second
big road trip between the old job and the new job, so I quickly planned a New
England trip to try to bag the seven remaining state high points I needed in
the Northeast. I reached six, with the
road to Mount Washington, New Hampshire being closed due to inclement
weather. I drove just shy of 3,000 miles
on that trip, visited two new states, ticked four state high points in a day,
three big high points in three days and had the second trip of a lifetime in
less than two months.
For Christmas, my daughter asked for me to take her to see Swept
Away on Broadway. I was reluctant at
first, but once I was able to sit down and plan it out I realized with the new
job I was more than able to afford the trip, and ended up taking both of my
kids for a three day trip to New York City the weekend before Christmas.
Between those three trips and an earlier southern high
point/beach trip in the summer I drove over 10,000 miles on road trips in
2024. The majority of those miles I did
solo. All of those miles were
amazing. I had taken control of my life,
started being responsible for myself, and I stepped onto a whole new path in
life.
I began realizing some of the things I saw and read earlier
in the year when I was trying to find a way out of the darkness and despair:
“…there’s a difference between knowing the path and walking
the path.” ~ Morpheus, The Matrix
“The mystery of life is not a problem to be solved but a
reality to be experienced.” ~ Dutch philosopher Aart van der Leeuw (and also
quoted in Frank Herbert’s Dune)
“Decide what kind of life you really want…and then say no to
everything that isn’t that.” ~ unknown
And finally:
“Don’t try to reclaim your youth and go back to what you
were, try to fully be the person you fantasized you’d be now.” ~ again,
unknown
The last quote is the one that had the biggest impact on me
in 2024. I had been distinctly guilty of
trying to be the person I had been before I got married in 2000. I felt like if I could recreate the
conditions I’d experienced when I was last single then maybe I could pick up
where I left off. However, when I saw
that quote on some random meme, I realized that was the better path. When I was younger, I often did fantasize
about who I would be when I was older.
The startling thing to me was that in many ways I was exactly that
person. Where I lacked connection to the
person I dreamed I would someday be was in the fears and mental chains that had
held me back. And so, I made the attempt
to cast all of that off, beginning on a hot, hot July day on Pine Mountain. So much changed in my life for the better
because I stepped through those barriers of fear and doubt.
The actor John Barrymore said: “A man is not old until
regrets take the place of dreams.” My
life had been full of regrets. I had
felt the weight of all my years. And
then I let go of the regrets and embraced new dreams. And here I am.
Somehow my year of being 50 was the best year of my life. And maybe the best is still to come.
